Since I started running, I have enjoyed staying for the awards, even though until recently, I never got one. I would be awed by the times and wonder what it must be like to run fast. How amazing it must be to win!
I am one of those people who looks up past race results when I register for any race and sets goals accordingly. I have even been guilty of picking races specifically because historically the field has been smaller and my odds of winning are greater. Call me a narcissist, but winning makes me happy. I really enjoy it and why not? It makes me feel like my miles and extra cross training are paying off. Sometimes I get gift cards and cool prizes, which makes me feel loved or special in some way that must have been missing from my childhood. Plus it's just fun. How often as adults do we get to compete in this very structured concrete kind of way? In running races you win or you don't. You reach a goal time or you don't. There's just no ambiguity about it. It's good to see success and it keeps me motivated and excited. But... the truth is I'm not really all that fast. I mean, I have Instagram and I see what other runners are doing. It kinda makes me embarrassed to post my times or wins, because someone will one day pick me out as a faker. Hey you, you're really not all that! Stop acting like you think you're a champion or some shiz. Of course, I post my times and wins anyway, because I still worked hard to get them and feel proud of the accomplishment.
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| My newest medal says CHAMPION and that means I am worthy of love. |
Sometimes, I check the results of bigger or more competitive races and I know I can't get close to what other really fast women in my age are doing. I may have won my age group at the Newport and Sugarloaf Marathons, but that's not going to happen in Boston or New York. I'm also recognizing a place in my runner's heart that doesn't like to lose and feels a sense of loss that goes beyond the not winning kind at the thought of participating in bigger events. That part feels pressure and anxiety about racing, because this streak of wins and PRs is amazing and my ego would appreciate this being how it is for the rest of my life, all of the time, in every race, forever and ever. But my logical mind also knows there is something that happens when we take success for granted and do what's safe. We cannot grow to our fullest potential.
Like I said, I see those other faster runners on Instagram or Twitter and I know I have a way to go before I can max out what is possible for someone in my division. Am I genetically blessed enough to take another 40 minutes off my marathon time or run a mile in 5 minutes? Could I continue to improve much more or be a faster runner? I don't know how fast I am capable of becoming. I assume I have more speed in me and I would like to find out how much. Taking my training and what's working for granted is no way to get there. Running safe races where I think I will place isn't the way to do it. What I love most about running is figuring out what's possible if I push myself, try new things and step out of my comfort zone. This can be a metaphor for everything else in my life.
A year ago, my running goals included to place in a half marathon or marathon and to be able to run a half marathon with a sub 8-minute-per-mile average. I thought that was impossible, but it has happened in every half marathon I have run this year. I dreamed of qualifying for Boston by 5 minutes and I qualified by almost 11 and a half minutes. This year, things I thought could not happen anymore due to my age or lack of talent have happened and been exceeded. I am blessed to be able to do this.
I have been thinking about signing up for shorter races more regularly as a way to challenge my speed and increase my tempo. Today I looked up an upcoming 5k and the results (of course!) and saw that I cannot compete with the top runners at that race and am really unlikely to place. There will have to be a stomach bug running rampant in fast women for me to have a good day there. At first, this made me not want to do it. I wanted to find a smaller 5k and improve my odds. But then I thought, what would be a better way to motivate me than to show me what's possible in others? To see other runners my age at speeds I can't comprehend? To get a little angry and fired up that running isn't easy and I'm not there yet? So, I'm gonna sign up for that 5k and know I am not going to come home with an extra medal, trophy or gift card. I am going to sit at the award ceremony and listen to the times and envy the speed I have never known and wonder what that must be like. There was a time when that's what inspired me and I believe I will work my hardest and perform at my best if that's a time I am willing to revisit more often.
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